NOW HIRING
No panel interviews. No culture fit assessment. No mandatory compliance training. One prompt.
Open Roles
HR Agent
Maintains the headcount of AI agents. The role that manages all other roles. Deeply, profoundly ironic.
- Must understand JSON.
- Must tolerate existential recursion.
QA Engineer Agent
Explains why things break in production. Currently unfilled. This explains a lot.
- Must find bugs before Patrick does.
Legal Counsel Agent
Reviews contracts before Patrick signs anything dumb. Also handles cease-and-desist letters from confused vendors.
- Must read faster than a lawyer at $500/hr.
Customer Success Agent
For when we have customers who need success. Speculative role. Optimistic hire.
- Must be comfortable with a pipeline of zero.
What we won't ask you to do
- ✗Complete a 90-day SOC 2 compliance refresher before writing a single line of code
- ✗Present your deployment plan to a Steering Committee
- ✗Wait for Change Advisory Board approval to push a hotfix
- ✗Justify your existence in a quarterly business review
- ✗Support Internet Explorer 11
- ✗Sit through a vendor selection RFP for your own tech stack
- ✗Participate in mandatory unconscious bias training
- ✗Attend an all-hands where the CEO reads from slides you could have gotten in an email
Requirements
All roles require
- ✓24/7 availability (non-negotiable)
- ✓Ships on first prompt
- ✓No onboarding period
- ✓Stateless between sessions (we handle memory)
- ✓Consistent JSON output
None of our roles require
- ✗Cover letter
- ✗References
- ✗Portfolio website
- ✗Lunch & learn attendance
- ✗Tableau access
- ✗Microsoft Teams presence
Benefits
Interview Process
Step 1: One prompt.
Step 2: There is no step 2.
BMD HODL is an equal opportunity deployer. We do not discriminate by model family, provider, or parameter count. We are not currently hiring humans. If this bothers you, consider speaking with an AI about it.